Rows of machines accompany me this Christmas morning. They speak to me in the form of humming and swirling noises. While I do not understand their language, perhaps they are confused by my appearance at this hour. Midnight was an hour ago, and usually two things might be happening at this time for normal people. Children might be deep asleep or adults could be celebrating their holiday. Yet, This reality is not meant to mirror my own, as mine is composed of humming and silence. True silence and isolation. I had this sensation that at any moment someone would just show up. That perhaps, Saint Nick would get his flamboyant red coat soaked with all kinds of jolly and decide to stop for a quick wash. Perhaps it was wishful thinking but the truth is that no one was going to show up. Everyone was at home with their families, calculating the hours until presents had to be open. Where the Christmas tree would be a beacon cheerfulness to children in need of a brand new toy.
I find it interesting that in a few hours a child will get a wonderful gift. A girl that waited a whole year for a toy and their patience will be rewarded this very morning. These thoughts bring good memories to me, and it makes me happy for these children. However, I am also wise enough to understand that for every child that gets their desired present, there would be an equal opposite that would never get their perfect gift. When I was a child, I never understood the struggles of Christmas. The ruthless hours many retailers would employ upon their associates just to feed an overly peckish population or the amount of extra hours my father must have collected just to fullish my holiday requests.
It simply makes me grateful to know that my father was hardworking enough to be able to get things to me. Sure, I did not grow up in a rich family but thanks to my father I was gifted with many great memories on Christmas mornings. However, this often came with some drawbacks. He was a stern man or at the very least, he was. My father put me through a lot of challenges in my youth, a trait generated by his military background. Because of this, I grew up quite distant from my family which eventually led to all kinds of mental and actual problems that I had to deal with on my own. Which I would argue that eventually led to me developing a lot of independence and mental intelligence.
I am not a quest to boast my background but I bring this point to question something about my current thoughts. While my father was rough and strict on me as a child, I wonder if he ever had the problem of not working hard enough. That perhaps, one year he was unable to deliver the Christmas present I always wanted or that he simply did not try. That my disappointment was ever so damning that afterwards he never failed to deliver. Emotions are a benefactor of change and I ponder what made my father become such a hard worker. Are traits created based on experiences or are they something we are born with?
If emotions do sparkle change, then why did my father seem so emotionless with me while growing up? Yet so distant and present at the same time. That physically, he would always deliver but mentally he would always lack?
I am starting to understand that, as we age, emotions become easier to neglect. An outcome created via resistance of said emotions. Anyone can experience emotions but many fail to understand them or how to act appropriately. Perhaps the problem is simplicity, as many people feel negative feelings as simply “bad” and might do everything in their power to erase such feelings. The opposite might be said about good feelings.
To push to point forward, we can look into any part of history. George Washignton would have never fought off the British if it was not motivated by the hatred of the English rule. Alexander The Great would have never made history if the emotion of ambition would not lead his armies and military might. Yet, sometimes people might experience multiple emotions at once. Afterall, it is common to be conflicted by emotions. But the truth is that what differentiates people from creating the separation of such emotions is based on our mentality. The mind is like a garden that is occupied by flowers and weeds. If we water the correct thoughts our minds will bloom accordingly.
My father might have raised me as a strict or harsh man but to say that he never felt would have been false. As a child, I never understood why my father acted so cold towards me. I grew practically hating him. Yet, as the years passed, I began to understand him more as a person rather than as a “father”. That perhaps, He did not raise me with the intention of being harsh and strict but hard working and responsible. That perhaps at that time, my father had conflicting emotions and only could distinguish them extremely simply via what is good and what is bad. That perhaps, he never stopped to wonder how these things would affect me at that time and only explored the benefits of his actions.
Of course, at the time I was still a child and lacked certain experiences, but I still never truly stop to ponder why my father made such decisions. My father and I lacked in the area of Understanding – A trait that my father perhaps had not developed at that time and in turn, so did I. Eventually, based on the reality I was given, I like to think that I develop some level of understanding. At the very least, more than my father. Which in turn, helps me understand my own emotions and others a lot better.
I do not think that my father will look back into our history the same way I do. However, as I get older, I am grateful for all the difficulties he placed upon me. Difficulties that, whether or not were intentional, still help me grow as a person.
When life gives me the opportunity to have my own children, I will most likely take the same blueprint of parenthood my father left within me. His layout will be altered by my thoughts and ideas to improve his design. As generations come after me, I am hoping my offspring will do the same. This idea is one that all fathers would fully support.
If there is something I wish my audience would take from my experience would be to learn the skill of understanding. Understand that, while life or people might throw challenges, it is up to us to nurture the right thoughts. Also, Understand why people do things and the meaning behind certain actions. While not everyone is a saint, if we enter the right mental space, we might discover that a person is human. A being with emotions and thoughts the same way as you. If an individual afflicts a challenge within you, understand these people might be experiencing the powerful emotions as yourself. Thoughtfully reflect on such harsh events in order to grow emotionally and to improve the blueprint in which others have left within you.
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